Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I don't know about you losers

But I'm going to live forever. (I speak this from the grave, as God felt it was too good NOT to throw a drill press conveniently through the fiftieth story window of the building next door and smash me to bits.)

Just so you know, I'm actually insanely, neurotically superstitious, and I'm now paranoid that I will, in fact, die, and that I may have partially prevented said death by quickly joking about it coming true. I will proceed to knock on various objects hoping one will be made of real wood, and then I will chastise myself for being an idiot, then I will quickly unchastise myself, because chance/God/spirits/whatever-the-fuck might get offended and jinx me.

It physically pains me to say: "I've never had a car wreck." "At least I have a job, I could be homeless and starving." "I haven't hit a deer." "Guthrie's never been hit downtown by a tornado." "I've only been allergic to silly things like gummy bears and bandaids." "I'm healthy!"

If I don't do something stupid, like rub mini Buddha's tummy or roll around in a mud puddle or let my cats bite me or light candles in my bizarre altar of cremated and skinned animals (the skinned ones weren't pets), I believe all these things will not only come true, but in the worst way possible. Like, I'll get famous for being a homeless person who caused a ten car pile up after a violent psychosomatic allergic reaction to water caused by a terrifying memory of a tornado that destroyed all of Oklahoma.

I'm going to go count all the steps in this building now.

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